I try to journal pretty consistently, my journal consists mostly of prayers. I find it easier to write out my prayers, I’m less likely to be distracted that way. I also write out passages of Scripture that I find especially encouraging, comforting, convicting, etc. My journal is where I chronicle my communion with God, it’s not always pretty, as of late it’s often been downright bitter and angry, but I wanted to share a couple short entries in my journal that I read last Sunday morning as I was getting ready for church.
I was struggling last week. I haven’t been trusting God very much. I’ve been questioning Him a lot and have gone as far as to accuse Him of holding out on me. But the truth is that God loves me perfectly, even when I don’t feel it. I don’t understand what God is doing in my life. And I don’t know how to let go of my dreams and hand them over to God–it’s so incredibly painful and at times I hold on to my desires and my will with white knuckles. I don’t know what God is doing, but in my heart of hearts I know that whatever it is He is doing it is for my good and His glory. I find the following journal entries comforting and encouraging because they reflect moments when I was trusting my Savior, when for however brief a moment my struggles made sense…
April 7, 2013
Dear Heavenly Father, I feel, no, I know that I have been very bitter and sad lately. However, I feel encouraged for the first time in what seems like forever. Lord, this roller coaster that you have me on is painful. It’s bewildering. You know my heart. You know the feelings that I can’t define or put into words. Help me. Give me grace. Focus my heart on you, please Lord. Help me to step outside of myself and my pain and my problems. Help me to remember that you are sovereign over all things. You give me good gifts and in you alone can my soul find satisfaction. Please speak your truths to my heart. Guard my heart, please Lord, guard my heart and be my strength. I love you, Lord, please help me to love you more and more. In Jesus name, Amen.
April 8, 2013
“Give ear to my prayer, O God, and hide not yourself from my plea for mercy! Attend to me, and answer me; I am restless in my complaint and I moan…My heart is in anguish within me…But I call to God and the Lord will save me. Evening and morning and at noon I utter my complaint and moan and He hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle I wage…Cast your burden on the Lord, and He will sustain you; He will never permit the righteous to be moved.” –Portions of Psalm 55
Dear Heavenly Father, please enable me to lay down my will and my dreams at your feet and help me to trust you to orchestrate your good and perfect plan. Help me to continually surrender my heart to you. In Jesus name, Amen.