This morning the only thing I wanted was for God to grant me my deepest desires and dreams. That’s all. Not too much for the God of the Universe, right? No, I didn’t verbally ask for my deepest hopes and dreams, I asked for comfort, but He knew what I meant, He always knows.
You can imagine my surprise when God did not act as my fairy godmother in that moment, not even a little bit. No, instead of my hopes and dreams coming true I found myself on my bedroom floor crying and whispering, “My heart is so black, my heart is so black.” In that moment I felt the weight of my sin. I could clearly see my idols, my bitterness, and my distrust of the Lord. I cried out to the Lord. For forgiveness, for sanctification, for whatever He would give me. How thankful I am for the Holy Spirit who intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. The Spirit groans for us. How incredible.
I felt strangely, painfully, and magnificently loved by my Father in Heaven this morning. He who is more than parental affection loves us far too much to allow us to wallow away in our sinfulness. He loves me too much to not prepare me for the life to come, the life everlasting. God is all too aware of the fact that this world is not my home, this life is but a vapor. And my black heart has no place in the Kingdom of God.
Now I have to deal with that blackness and it is downright excruciating. It’s insurmountable. So, I look up. Because the One who loves me enough to convict me also loves me more than enough to sanctify me through and through. So, now, through tear stained eyes and with a shattered heart, by His grace I look up.
“I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith and love and every grace
Might more of His salvation know
And seek more earnestly His face
Twas He who taught me thus to pray
And He I trust has answered prayer
But it has been in such a way
As almost drove me to despair
I hoped that in some favored hour
At once He’d answer my request
And by His love’s constraining power
Subdue my sins and give me rest
Instead of this He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart
And let the angry powers of Hell
Assault my soul in every part
Yea more with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Cast out my feelings, laid me low
Lord why is this, I trembling cried
Wilt Thou pursue thy worm to death?
“Tis in this way” The Lord replied
“I answer prayer for grace and faith”
“These inward trials I employ
From self and pride to set thee free
And break thy schemes of earthly joy
That thou mayest seek thy all in me,
That thou mayest seek thy all in me.”